


Three Words

by bumblebeeloved



Category: Degrassi the Next Generation
Genre: Angst, F/M, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:08:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27531268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bumblebeeloved/pseuds/bumblebeeloved
Summary: She said it. Those three words that he'd been dreading since the beginning of the relationship. Those three, little, dangerous words that made him feel trapped under the weight of their meaning. They brought back memories and feelings that Craig fought to keep under lock and key, that should stay under lock and key.
Relationships: Ashley Kerwin/Craig Manning
Kudos: 3





	Three Words

**Author's Note:**

> I recently came across a trove of fanfiction I had written years and years ago. And as embarrassed as I am, I thought it should see the light of day, if only once. Lol. Please don't judge too harshly.

"I love you."

She said it. Those three words that he'd been dreading since the beginning of the relationship. Those three, little, dangerous words that made him feel trapped under the weight of their meaning. They brought back memories and feelings that Craig fought to keep under lock and key, that should stay under lock and key.

"Craig?"

He had been staring at her, mouth open, as if he was about to say something. And then he realized that he didn't know what to say. Well, he knew what to say, but the words were getting stuck in his throat, tripping on the end of his tongue. He looked down at his lap.

"I know what I should say right now, but … I can't. I … can't." There silence was deafening. Craig didn't want to look up and see the anger and disgust towards him, at the fact that he couldn’t say three little words.

"Alright. Um, I feel like an idiot, but I understand if you don't love me back. Um, I'll jus-"

Craig's head snapped up. "I didn't say that. I …"

She went from looking disappointed, to his surprise, to looking something that looked like a mixture of confusion and anger. "You just said-"

"I said I can't say it, not that I don’t feel… the same way back" Ashley wasn't understanding, and he didn’t even know how to begin explaining. Where would he even start? She was going to make him spell him out. She was, wasn’t she? It couldn’t be simple.

Ashley was getting annoyed, frustrated really. "I don't get it. I tell you 'I love you' and you just tell me you can't say it. I don't understand what that means. Or what I mean to you. Or why it’s any more difficult than just telling me how you feel about me."

Craig stood up from Ashley's bed and walked over to her. He had to try to explain to her what was going on. "Ashley, I just-I can't say it. I-I don't not feel for you. I just can't say it. I'm sorry, but I can't say it to you. I can't say it to Joey. I can't say it Angela. I can't say it." Craig looked at his hands again, not able to look at her. He was hurting her, and it was hurting him as much as it was hurting her, but it wasn't as if he wanted to. She had to know. He had to tell her. Somehow.

"Say what, Craig? 'I love you?' Or what you feel for someone?" She tried stooping lower to look in his eyes. To try to get what he was talking about, what he was thinking. But he was having none of it. 

"Th-the first one. I can't say the first one," he whispered the last bit. Ashley stared at him.

"Why?"

His mind went blank.

"Why can't you?"

He told her he couldn't. What more did she want?

"Craig? Why can't you say it?"

He turned away from her, not wanting to bring those memories up again.

"Why can't you say 'I love you?'"

He closed his eyes and covered his ears, trying to get her out of his mind. Trying to get the questions to stop. "No," he barely managed to get out.

"Craig? What's wrong? Are you okay? I just wanted to know why."

She touched him and he jumped. He spun to face her, trying to see if he could find a way out.

"Craig? Please say something. What's wrong?"

Everything was wrong. With him, with his dad, with his life. Everything was wrong.

"What's wrong, Craig?"

He snapped. "Everything! Everything, Ashley!" He squeezed his eyes shut and held himself, like when he was alone. "Everything is wrong with me," he half sobbed. When had he gotten on his knees? He hadn't even realized he done so. "I can't say it. My dad is gone and he's still ruining my life." Craig looked at the ground, unaware of the girl kneeling next to him. "After my mom died, I never heard it. It was either 'good job, sport' … or a beating if I didn't. There was always the apologies and promises of never doing it again the morning after, but the only time he told me he l-l … he told me he loved me was when I moved out. When I went back to his house to get my stuff, he finally said what I’d been wanting to hear. But it was only to guilt trip me. To get me to stay in the house. The only time I ever heard that, Ashley, was from the father who beat me to try to get me to stay with him. And before that, even when my mom told me … he used it … against me. He used it to get me to behave. Love was a punishment to me."

Craig turned to look at Ashley through tears, hoping to see the edges of her frustration softening. It had cost him something to say that, to try to explain years of emotional manipulation. 

"I can't say it to you because it doesn't mean anything. It won't matter unless I show you I … that I do. I can't let myself turn into my dad. I couldn't hurt you like that, Ashley. Not you."

Ashley pulled his face to hers and kissed him fiercely before pulling them to the bed, pulling Craig to her. "You will never be like your dad." She said it with so much emotion that it had hurt Craig. She didn't know that, but it was nice to know that someone believed in him.

They stayed like that, with Craig laying on her between her legs for a while. He felt relieved. He'd never told anyone that much detail, save for Children's Aid. Even then, it was purely facts. It had never been about him. Just his dad, and what he had done. Craig was glad someone could accept him, even after everything he had just revealed.

Long after his leg and hip had fallen asleep, Craig figured he should start making his way home. It was getting late and he had to watch Angela the next morning. He looked up to Ashley, only to find her asleep. Carefully, he removed himself from her and gently covered her with an errant blanket. Ashley moved some and mumbled something unintelligible in her sleep before turning slightly to one side. Craig stared at her, not understanding how he got so lucky as to have her in his life. Just before he turned to go, he bent over her and whispered in her ear. It was all he could offer at the moment, but he was determined to try and prove it to her.

"I love you."


End file.
